Lessons learned from a couple of movies

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“Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don’t want to believe it but, there is no man,”

I truly don’t believe I have to have a man in my life to be happy but it sure would be nice to have someone other than my children in my life to share my love with.

I wonder sometimes, when I married, did I really love him.  Or was I so afraid of being alone I held on for dear life to the first person who wanted to marry me.  Actually, he was the second person to say they wanted to marry me but the first I don’t count because I was a young teenager when he professed his love and said I want to marry you.  Right now I think I am in love with a man who lives 3000 miles away from me.  But I cry more often than I smile when I think about him, and that isn’t love.  My two best friends asked me these two questions; “Are you hanging on to him because you are afraid you won’t find anyone else?” and “Are you hanging on to him to justify leaving your marriage?”  The answer to the first question is yes.  The answer to the second on is no, I didn’t leave my marriage for any man, I left my marriage to save my life.  It’s a coincidence that I met this man in the same time frame that I was leaving.

The movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” has some terrific lessons.  “Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is… just… moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.”   I don’t want my happy ending to be moving on.  The thought of being alone for the rest of my life happy or not makes me cry.

I try to remind myself that all these negative thoughts are coming from my winter time depression.  I know that December – January is my depression season.  I need to stop thinking about relationships, about men in general, and focus on me.

And so ends another whiny blog post.  Get over yourself, Robin.

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